My Needs or My Child’s Needs?
It is very useful for mothers and fathers to unpick the mess of conflicting thoughts and feelings associated with their separation or divorce. It is particularly important for children that they are able to distinguish the child’s needs from their own needs, because:
- An important part of conflict resolution in separation is distinguishing the transfer of relationship emotion, or childhood hurts (my needs), from parenting content (the child’s needs now).
- Parents, particularly those who were not themselves respected as children, can subsume children into their own personality and believe that anything they want is automatically good for the child
- A common cause of conflict and obstructed contact is the use of money as a bargaining weapon, creating instability and unpredictability for children. It can help to keep them separate.
There are many ways to approach this. Below is a simple sheet which gives a framework for useful discussion with a father or mother. You may need to help with prompts. If used with a group it could be kept to general principles, enabling discussion of important ideas without individuals feeling exposed.
