Working with Separation Conflict

Point of conflict

Description

Possible solutions

Hand overs

Either or both parents expresses anger while the child is present. Hand overs are characterised by high tension.

• Parents use Relate or Family Mediation to resolve issues
• One or both parents commit to holding back, finding another avenue to express anger
• Use a trusted family member as a go-between or to be present to improve behaviour
• Use a service set up to facilitate hand overs, eg with staggered times of arrival or separate entrances.

Phone calls - especially if unexpected

A phone call ostensibly about children is loaded with adult relationship issues

• Ask them to call back at an agreed time
• Clear understanding that content needs to be child-centred only - discuss other issues with a different call or by letter
• Politely hang up (giving reason) if it goes off topic
• If consistently unpleasant revert to letter only.

Unplanned visits from ex-partner

The one being visited feels ambushed or that they are being checked up on.

Children may feel confused - pleased to see parent but picking up on parental tension

• Is this happening because contact arrangements have been broken by resident parent, or insufficient contact?
• Make clear arrangements in advance only & an agreement not to visit without warning

New relationships (own or ex-partners)

Children upset by new situation

New partner pressures to cut off all contact with other parent

Parent wants to ‘leave the past behind’ and make a ‘new’ family.

Can happen several times

• Give children time to adjust
• Listen to children’s views and needs
• Let children decide what they call new partner
• Engage new partner to establish child-centred ethos

Reducing or obstructing contact

Unplanned contact reduction  by resident parent

• Separate out legitimate concerns from insecurities and adult relationship issues
• Explore what the child needs and wants

Repeatedly asking other partner to look after children at short notice at an inconvenient time

Can be a kind of manipulation, for example to make it hard to spend time with a new partner.

Possibly due to inability to plan

Emphasise children’s need for stable and predictable contact

Not taking up pre-arranged contact or being unreliable

Can be due to lack of commitment or self-belief as a parent

Can be due to a sense of hopelessness

Can be passive-agressive to upset the resident parent

• Give clear messages about impact on the child
• Clear structure of contact dates in writing
• Identify barriers: practical, emotional,

Competition for the love of the child

Insecurity about parental identity can lead to jealousy or feelings of inferiority. Can lead to obstruction of contact

• Explore different but important roles of fathers and mothers
• Explore childhood experience of parenting

Fear of being flexible in case it leads to loosing parenting time

Rigidity and inflexibility, for example won’t change contact time to fit something important for the child

Negotiate replacement time or trade off similar flexible time.

All or nothing culture encourages competitive behaviour

Fear of loosing the child (and benefits) if you do not gain full residence may lead to the rejection of shared parenting

Help parent establish a clear child-centred ethic, as distinct from what the system might enable them to do