Working with Separation Conflict

Some degree of conflict is inevitable in separation - after all, if the couple got on well, they would probably still be together! Disagreement is part of life; it is how parents model deal with it that matters most to children. Separation conflict can be particularly harmful to children because it is often expressed as being about them, even when this is just a foil for underlying issues. They therefore can feel that it is their fault, or that if they could just do the right thing it will stop, or even that their parents might get back together. There is also less time for balancing good experiences: if their parents are together, they nearly always argue, with no time when the parents are at ease with each other. Parents can feel that it is a ‘winner takes all’ competition for children’s love, which can be mixed up with arguments about money, property and the deep emotional hurt of a relationship ending.

1. Obstruction

Obstruction of contact by the resident parent is one of the most serious manifestations of separation conflict as in itself it dramatically increases conflict. Crucially it can lead to the child losing 50% of its potential family support, including extended family members. If we are working with a parent that is obstructing contact or experiencing obstruction it is vital to engage them on why that is happening and support, challenge or inform them accordingly, keeping the child’s needs to the fore. The boxes below give some starting points:

Understanding why a resident parent might obstruct contact

Child-centred reasons

Fear that they will lose their Resident Parent status to the other parent

Fear that they will lose their child's love

The other parent has actually abused or allegedly the child physically, sexually or emotionally

The other parent is actually incapable of safely and warmly caring for their children, even with help from their family or services

The child will witness severe aggression or violence towards the resident parent at hand-overs

The child is consistently expressing fear or dislike of the other parent or step-parent but only if this is definitely not the result of parental alienation or pressure to take sides

Their own relationship with the child’s other parent

Revenge for past real or imagined slights - the need to ‘win’ or make him or her pay

Wanting a clean break: a desire never to have to deal with them again

Financial: disputes over child-care costs or wider financial issues

New relationships 

A new partner doesn’t want anyone else involved in their family unit 

Resident parent or partner can’t manage the complexities of contact for several children with different parents

The resident parent may worry that family issues could jeopardise the new relationship 

Reasons un-related to the specifics of the situation

Cultural norms: “It is OK, lots of people do it,” a perception that it is not punished by courts or censored by peers

Mental health:

• Transference - acting out or recreation of negative childhood experiences
• Insecurity - a need to exercise ‘power over,’ identity threatened by sharing; jealousy & competition
• Depression - need children as a comfort and a confirmation of importance

Mothering culture: the idea a mother as the sole significant carer meeting all needs. A belief that children do not need fathers. and that there is no distinction between what a mother needs and what is good for children.

Fathers can sometimes believe this about themselves

2. Open ongoing conflict

Children see and/or hear arguments, anger, and criticism of one or both parents, often with them as the focus. Nothing is agreed or decided and the anger is ongoing, sometimes colouring the atmosphere of parenting time. They will hear mostly bad things about the other parent. This may lead them to either internalise or act out their own hurt and anger. Their future relationships may be affected. If children are asked their opinion it is emotionally loaded and mainly to get them to take a side.

3. Conflict avoidance

At least one parent decides to accept the limitations of the situation and model constructive  behaviour in front of the child. Parents still disagree (possibly strongly) but at least one gives in, or does not rise to the bait of argument, and the other has less opportunity to be openly angry. While not ideal, disagreements and anger happen less in front of the child and the child can see that one or more parent is making an effort.

4. Compromise and resolution

The child is aware that their parents disagree at times, but sees them talk it through and arrive at a compromise – sometimes in favour of one, sometimes the other. Parents may discuss with the child in an age-appropriate way what has happened, but without criticising the other parent. The child is reassured it is nothing to do with them and can learn how to resolve adult disagreements. Where appropriate, children’s views are taken into account to help make decisions, but only if the child feels comfortable with this.

The basic principles of working with separation are:

• To reduce children’s experience of obstruction and conflict,

• To increase their experience of compromise and resolution,

• To retain as much parental and family support as possible (where safe to do so).

Continue to: Working with Separation Conflict Table