Child-Centred Co-operation

Shared parenting or co-parenting is more about attitude and atmosphere than an exactly equal amount of time, though children do need to have substantial staying contact with each parent in order to experience all normal aspects of life with them. This might include parents’ evenings, walking to school, holidays away, meal and bedtime routines.

Shared parenting tends to be characterised by:

• Respect from both parents for a child’s relationship with the other parent
• A recognition that the other parent offers the children things that are usefully different
• A willingness to be constructive in the present and forget old differences and disappointments
• A stable and pre-arranged programme of parenting time with some flexibility on both sides
• Patience and empathy with the extra needs of separated children and with the other parent
• The ability to attend occasional important events together, eg parents' evenings, medical discussions, presentations etc.

 It is important that we are able to articulate this ethos clearly to parents, and are able to help them examine their behaviour in order to move toward child-centred shared parenting. The following checklist contains most of the typical advice for helping children.

Some parents will find it difficult to reach all these ideals, but we can help them achieve and maintain them one at a time - even one will make a big difference to a child.

Download a child-centred check list for working through with parents here.

Child-centred parents tend to:

• Explain what is happening in an age appropriate way 
• Tell children it is not their fault
• Tell children both parents still love them
• Listen to their children and allow them to express anger and sadness about the separation
• Never criticise the other parent in front of children
• Allow their children to love their other parent – even if they don’t like them
• Avoid arguing in front of children – they make arrangements (or express anger) when children can’t hear or see them
• Avoid asking children to take sides
• Avoid probing their children about the other parent
• Make arrangements directly and don’t use children as go-betweens or negotiators
• Know they are there to look after their children – if they need support, they use someone else, not their children
• Make clear arrangements well in advance and stick to them
• Keep to high standards of behaviour even if their ex-partner doesn’t
• Put their children before new partners
• Avoid rushing children to accept change, including new partners
• Avoid spoiling them or loading contact with too much emotion – they keep it ‘normal’
• Negotiate broadly agreed house rules
• Share information on their children with the other parent