Useful Elements

What integrated support ideally needs to be available to support members of separated families?

All agencies working with children and families need to provide:

  • Separation aware policies and paperwork
  • Staff who are separation aware, who engage families (including fathers and their extended families) on this subject and who can signpost as needed, with access to suitable materials and resources to use and display
  • Effective joint working on separation with all relevant agencies - including links with CAFCASS and solicitors to inform court processes and improve the outcomes from family law
  • A greater proportion of males on the workforce in order to represent the gender make-up of separated families, in line with the Gender Equality Duty

Support for children and young people

  • Children need developmentally appropriate ways to discuss their experience individually or in groups. Possible forms include:
  • Individual counselling, for example from Relate
  • Inclusion as part of the SEAL or PSHE related curricula in schools
  • Support from learning mentors or similar
  • Within services provided by specialist agencies working with children and young people, including Connexions, Play services, Youth Service, YOT etc.
  • Mediation which includes children as an independent client whose views may be conveyed to parents

A centralised local information point where families know they can find out about practical, legal and emotional help on separatiom

Local authority family information services can fulfil this role, or it can be taken by a specialist agency, but it needs to be one that is perceived by fathers and mothers as gender equal and also independent from the courts. A leaflet on separated parenting with child-centred content and a help list is also needs to be freely available

Family mediation
Impartial family mediators, working singly or in pairs can help to create a dialogue between couples in order to make arrangements for their separation. Some parents reject mediation for emotional reasons or because they feel they do not need to compromise. It can only be really effective when there is a level playing field, including the perception of fairness and effective enforcement in family courts to back it up. Currently resident parents can feel themselves to be in a position of power, and it is comparatively difficult for fathers to become resident parents or to secure shared parenting. However, at its best, mediation can save lots of time, court fees and anguish for both parents and children. The Family Mediation Service is the major national provider.

Support Groups for parents
Various forms of group are useful, from informal self-organised peer groups, to semi-structured groups run by a leader, to time-limited structured courses with a curriculum. All need to provide time for exploring personal experiences and practical needs, and be inclusive of both genders and sexual orientation.
Usually groups have been aimed at either resident or non-resident parents: Families Need Fathers are the major provider for non-resident parents, who often present with urgently pressing needs regarding contact. FNF hold branch meetings in 33 UK towns in which emotional support and practical help about separated parenting issues are offered to fathers, mothers and grandparents. They can advise organisations wishing to start their own group. One Parent Families / Gingerbread have traditionally supported resident parents.
Looking forward, while there will always be a need for specialist groups, it may really benefit children if resident and non-resident parents meet parents from the other side of the situation - in a carefully structured and well facilitated group. However, ex-partners should only join the same group if they have a good level of cooperation, and this needs to be very carefully handled.

Contact Support
Different levels and kinds of contact need to be supported and linked up:

  • Supervised and supported contact sessions
    This legally prescribed contact can be provided at existing settings like contact centres, and further developed in other child-friendly settings like Children’s Centres to enable centre staff to begin making relationships with parents.
  • Support in transitions to independent contact
    Where possible transitions to mainstream settings should be facilitated, with information sharing as appropriate. This is particularly important for separated parents with complex issues to ensure that they are supported in maintaining continuity and safety for their children, rather than being supervised one minute, and completely on their own the next. It is also a positive way for family agencies to engage with ‘hard to reach’ families.
  • Informal contact & play sessions:
    Free or low-cost  weekly stay and play sessions for adults and children that are suitable for contact are essential, especially at weekends (these also benefit all working parents). They do not need to be exclusively for separated families, nor should those families feel identified as such. However they do need to cater for a range of ages, at least from 0-11, with activities and activities to suit. Staff need to understand separated parenting issues and be able to respond if needed. Children’s Centres and other child-friendly venues like extended schools are suitable for this, and sessions can be jointly staffed to overcome age limitations.
  • Independent direct contact
    Independent contact, where the parent has a one-to-one relationship with the child at home or elsewhere (but not in a supervised or formal play setting) is very important for authoritative and close parenting. Advice on making the contact child centred and the surroundings suitable may be needed, along with the chance to explore emotional issues, for example handling the stress of handovers.
  • Indirect contact
    Indirect contact, is still important for children and parents. Parents may need emotional support in sticking with it, and advice on making it work through letters and cards, phone calls, and other methods where practical like audio and video. Advice from organisations such as Families Needs Fathers is available for parents who need to communicate in written form. The advice covers content, style and archiving and can help a parent to acquire the benefits and avoid the pitfalls of written correspondence.

Parenting Courses:
Parenting courses in general have great potential benefits for maintaining healthy relationships between parents and children, improving outcomes for children. They may help prevent separations if both parents attend. However, we need more that are separation-specific, or are separation-aware, and are put on at times that working fathers and mothers can attend. Parenting courses delivered to one parent only can even increase conflict, as the one who has not attended may be seen as more incompetent by the attending parent. Those imposed by judges may be resented – they are in any case only now beginning to be normalised in parenting culture. Practitioners are in a good position to recommend parenting courses and agencies can look at setting up separation-aware courses. Most local authorities and some churches now run courses, though it is worth requesting both separation and step-parenting specific content.

Relationship Counselling
Relationship counselling, like that provided by Relate, can help separated or divorced parents to co-operate again. This can occur at any stage it is needed, not just in the immediate aftermath, and in some cases individuals can attend on their own to help deal with relationship issues post-separation.

Individual Counselling:
Sessions with a counsellor can significantly help a troubled parent to regain their self-esteem and composure, and cope with the grief and anger of loosing every day contact with a child, or ending a relationship While a minority receive counselling free or discounted, possibly from a GP’s referral, a private rate of roughly £40 per hour can make this form of support unfeasible. There is scope for much more affordable counselling for separated parents in Britain.

Conflict resolution:
Conflict resolution works under the premise that agreements between separated parents can be reached without court proceedings. It consists of mediation and, in more difficult instances, collaborative law where the solicitors of both parties meet outside of court to reach an agreement then call in a judge to issue the agreed form of court order. Out of court agreements are being reached by an increasing proportion of the 1 in 10 UK separated parents who require court orders, and this is reflected into the growing number of firms providing mediation and/or collaborative law services.

Step-parenting support
It is important to engage step-families both as positive support and, in some cases, potential risk. This can be done individually, by specifically inviting involvement, or with groups if numbers make that efficient. Step-parenting has specific challenges and step family members need to know that they can discuss this if needed, particularly during teenage years. Conflict resolution to assist step-relationships can also be useful particularly where conflict with a step-parent may lead to homelessness or early risk-taking for young people.

Respite care
Respite childcare can be needed by struggling resident parents. However, ordinarily non-resident parents should provide this where safe, with staff making relationships with them before a crisis arises to facilitate this.