Young Separated Mothers and Fathers
Key ideas:
- Be child-centred, whole family and long-term in our focus rather than mainly mother-centred
- Empower young separated fathers, re-enforcing their parental feelings with positive messages and practical help
- Mediate with mothers and gatekeepers like maternal grandmothers to encourage non-resident fathers' involvement with children
- Find ways of protecting vulnerable young women that are not at the expense of the child’s long-term relationship with its father
Historically most work with young parents has been focused on the health, housing and employment of young women. Little work involving child-centred approaches specifically to separation has been done. Traditional views have sometimes been that the mother was inevitably a lone parent, and perhaps better off that way, or that the young woman had been exploited by an older man. Young fathers have tended to be much less visible to family services – and those that do work with young men may not have explored fatherhood let alone the viability of separated parenting.
This is gradually changing, and some young men are reminding us to take them seriously as a parent. From a child centred point of view this is very worthwhile in the long term: if we can assist in keeping young fathers involved during the difficult early stages, they can develop to be a vital resource throughout the child’s development and take pressure off hard pressed young mothers as well.
Practical needs:
- Securing child-friendly accommodation for young mothers and fathers, including non-resident parents
- Help with sustaining tenancies
- Managing money and securing benefits, grants and training
- An awareness of legal options and signposting to specialist legal help
- Signposting to parenting courses (if actually needed)
Working with gatekeepers
If the young mother’s family relationships are reasonable she tends to stay in the family home with support from her parents. The maternal grandmother often takes an active caring role, but may also act as gate-keeper and be antagonistic towards the father. This can mean that it can be hard for young fathers to break into this to establish a meaningful role - particularly if the child is a result of a casual relationship and the father doesn’t know the mother’s parents beforehand.
Young mothers may feel that they do not need the father initially, when the unconditional love and cuddles they receive from the baby can act as a sticking plaster to problems. By the time this changes when the child becomes a more demanding toddler it may be too late to motivate a young father who has given up. It is important that as practitioners we do not reinforce this tendency, instead taking a longer term view, and mediating with grandparents on this issue if need be. “He may be a bit wild now, but in five years he will probably have settled down, think of all the free childcare and support with schooling he can give after that…” The father’s parents, or other trusted intermediary may be able to act as a reassuring back-up if contact can take place in their home in the early years. It is worth engaging with both extended families if possible.
Working with young separated mothers
Key idea:
- Continue to support young mothers whilst maximising support for children
Vulnerable young women understandably evoke strongly protective feelings in practitioners, who are usually female too. Controversy has surrounded public debates about the outcomes for children of lone parents, and it goes without saying that many lone mothers (and fathers) give children an excellent start in life. Where it is the only practical or safe option, we can continue in supporting this. However, it is necessary to make strong efforts at the same time, to maximise support for children, widening our focus to include the child-father relationship.
Working with young separated fathers
Key ideas:
- Listen first, don’t make assumptions
- Inform them of the evidence about their importance to their children
- Help them explore what fatherhood might mean to them and what their aims are as fathers
It is important to pro-actively engage young fathers about their parental role. While the long-term benefits to children are well evidenced, there are many practical, cultural difficulties for them to overcome. Peer pressure to concentrate on having a good time and a lack of knowledge about how to seek contact are both significant factors, which can be re-enforced if agencies are not welcoming.
It is essential that you find out the father’s details if they are the presenting parent, but it is also important that we contact young fathers directly, and advertise generally that our services are for them too, so that they can contact us.
Young fathers may have very different needs according to their age/stage of development and situation. Whereas a certain amount of parent and child accommodation is available for young women, it is unlikely that a young man leaving home due to family breakdown will find child-friendly accommodation. He may need help finding a venue for contact to take place. If he is experiencing obstruction to contact, he may need supporting through the process of seeking contact. Parenting courses and evidence of learning skills relevant to childcare like cooking and budgeting can be useful in reassuring mothers, grandmothers and the courts that he is taking his role seriously – though some young men will already have these abilities.
Benefits and secret fathers
Practitioners have reported that it is common for young parents to present as lone resident parents in order to claim two sets of benefits, whereas they are actually living with or partly supported by a partner, who may or may not be the child’s father. Practitioners have to work to gain a lot of trust for the true picture to emerge so that they can engage with both parents. A confidential benefit calculation through Citizens Advice may reassure young couples that the official route is practicable.