Other Stepfamily Issues

Stepfamilies and the other parent

Encourage step-parents to avoid criticising the other parent in front of children, or making contact more difficult. It might feel good to indulge in a game of ‘us against them’ to cement the new relationship, but children will find this very difficult. The new relationship may not last, so it is also in the biological parent’s interests to keep the other parent involved long-term.

Non-resident parents’ step families
Children are also likely to encounter the non-resident parent’s stepfamily. In families where separated parents have a good relationship a low-key meeting between the stepfamilies of both of their biological parents, for example a barbeque can help normalise things. On the other hand, each instance must be approached with sensitivity. Dynamics vary with each family and some children can feel intimidated and infringed upon by visits of the non-resident parent’s step-children.

Finances

The financial realities of step-parenting can be extremely complicated. Further to the additional strain of a bigger household, child-support money may be being paid in to one partner while the other partner may be paying out child-support to their own ex-partner. Central to handling such stressful and confusing situations is to discuss money issues in detail and be organised. Many step-couples benefit from setting a weekly or fortnightly time aside to work though any money issues. Offer or signpost to information or help with money management if needed, e.g. CAB.

‘Wicked’ stepfamilies - from two sides

The question of the ‘wicked’ stepfamily points to two opposing factors:

  1. The cultural stereotype of a ‘wicked’ step-family, which can pose problems to decent and dedicated stepfamilies. From Cinderella to the words of friends, children can encounter many negative portrayals of abusive step-parents and cruel step-siblings that make them sure that their new stepfamily will be repressive. They are consequently less likely to interact with their new family members, get a true impression of good intentions and personalities and form caring, mutually-respectful bonds. Extra effort may be required by parents and practitioners to treat hesitant children with as much care as possible.
  1. Some step-parents and or step-siblings can be extremely damaging to children. Step-parents are more likely to go un-scrutinised by authorities, even though they are likely to spend much more time with the child than non-resident biological parents. 

Practitioners must do all that is possible to differentiate, supporting the former, and protecting children from members of a stepfamily that could be harmful. A good starting point is to pro-actively engage all family members directly. 

The existence of some step-parents is kept secret from authorities for reasons ranging from fear of officialdom, to benefit fraud, to hiding abusive partnering and parenting. Sometimes mothers or fathers prioritise their new relationship over the wellbeing of their children: it has been characteristic of some high profile deaths of children, for example, that practitioners have taken the presenting parent’s word too easily (especially mothers) for the existence of or risk from a step-parent.

Practitioners of many kinds are well placed to notice the existence and behaviour of step-parents, especially where a child has begun behaving differently. Note that step-siblings can be problematic or a risk especially if older.

  • A play or nursery worker who has noticed that a child has become unsettled, for example wetting themselves when they’ve already become potty-trained or suddenly becoming withdrawn, can ask the parent if anything has changed at home and, if they have a new partner, get a feel for how their partner behaves.
  • Anyone working with older children or young people who notices a change in them associated with a new step-relationship, for example becoming more aggressive or withdrawn, can ask them about their situation.
  • Anyone undertaking home visits can look for clues of a partner, ask about their behaviour and try to talk to them - in any case it should be standard practice to engage anyone in a parenting role as a positive, not just the presenting parent.
  • Where there are signs that a child is possibly at risk, simple investigations and sharing information correctly in line with your safeguarding procedures may prevent damaging abuse of both children and parents.

A child centred, whole-family approach means that we are pro-actively and positively including anyone in a parenting role in our work, including step-fathers and mothers. Where evidence suggests a risk we will then be better placed to respond to it appropriately.