Ideas for Supporting Relationships within the Stepfamily (apply to resident and non-resident parent’s new partners)

Help members of stepfamilies to see the importance of basic principles:

• Openness between partners and between partners and children.
• Commitment and patience
• Realistic expectations. Step-parents shouldn’t blame themselves or others for problems which may not be anyone’s fault and may well be encountered in any form of family
• Understanding of situations and feelings, and of past mistakes in order to avoid repetitions.

The following ideas can support these principles:

• Introduce a new step family slowly and sensitively
  The initial stages of a stepfamily can have a crucial effect on the character of that family in the future. The approach that parents take to introducing children to their new family members, explaining how life will be different and dealing with their biological and stepchildren’s reactions sets strong and hard-to-alter foundations for a family’s future.
  
• Children should be given time to get used to their biological parents’ separation before being introduced to a step-parent. The first meeting should be low key, low pressure and relatively short. A public place, such a park or shopping centre, provides a setting for new relationships to form without a child feeling intruded upon in their own home or being overwhelmed by new pressures in an unknown place.
  
• Keep children informed and be understanding, especially if they are given little time to get used to the end of one relationship. It is natural for children to have difficulties with this new situation. Most will wish for their biological parents to stay together and see the formation of a stepfamily as signalling the impossibility of reconciliation. A step-parent’s reaction to a child’s initial hostility can have a long-lasting effect on future relations, so hostility should not be taken personally and should be reacted to in a patient, positive and constructive manner.
  
• It is best to wait until a trusting relationship has formed between children and a step-parent before that parent disciplines a child. Until then it is best for discipline to be the left to the biological parent and for the step-parent to behave in as thoughtful, accepting and caring a manner as possible. This is not only likely to increase a child’s respect for the step-parent but lead to better behaviour, as much misbehaviour is an expression of feelings about the confusing and seemingly negative family situation that the child finds themselves in.
   Explore ideas for making this work, emphasising positives but also listening for potential risk. Falling out with step-parents is a common trigger for young people becoming homeless or more vulnerable to a range of difficulties
  
• ‘One on one’ time is of vital importance:

-  Each parent should spend time alone with each child. This may be more important for their biological children, particularly if they are non-resident. The child is coming to see them, not their new partner

-  Partners should spend time alone. This can keep their relationship healthy and remind them not just of who they are as a couple but also as individuals. Their relationship is the reason why their new family has formed and may not have had much time to develop before it became the cornerstone of a family

• Do things as a family. This can vary from everyone sitting at the dining-table for a nightly meal to going on an outing to anywhere from the beach, a theme-park or a meal and a movie. Talking that involves warmth and listening (about any subject), is hugely important for children.
  
• Children should be informed of and included in discussions relating to family issues in as many respects as appropriate. Many families let their children become involved in some household decisions when they have reached an appropriate age. Family meetings once week or fortnight can assist this.
  
• As much help as possible from extended family and friends should be sought to spread the pressure of running the household and accommodating its members
  
• Find a way to give children personal space (this is especially important if children are forced to share rooms due to increased family size)

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