Issues Related to Contact:

A change in behaviour on return can a problem:

• Resident parents can see children as being upset or naughty on their return. Are the children picking up parental anxieties about handovers from either side? Can they be re-assured? Do they need to be allowed a little more time to re-adjust each time? Is this because the non-resident parent sets different boundaries?
• Agreeing common house rules and routines if possible can help, concentrating on the basics like sleeping, eating and behaviour routines. Children can understand that there are different rules in different places (like school) and can benefit from difference. It is important that children have time to adjust to change-overs.

Reliability and time-keeping. Some resident parents want the other parent to have more contact, but be frustrated by unreliability, which is also very painful for children: see ideas on working with un-motivated non-resident parents

Respite child-care. Resident parents, particularly those with complex difficulties may be tired or isolated and in need of respite – just for a rest, to develop adult relationships and friendships, or to attend training or appointments.

Various options within extended families (grandparents in particular), support networks and services can be explored. However, where safe, this is an opportunity to discuss the value of involving the non-resident parent more. Non-resident parents are a free and more sustainable solution than using professional services, and the child is likely to benefit from more time to make a positive relationship with their other parent.

If there is friction or conflict in the relationship between ex-partners, resident parents may need help to think through the long-term benefits of this to the child and themselves - weighed against negatives. For example a perceived loss of position or fear of giving ammunition for the non-resident parent to paint them as not coping, or setting a precedent from which the non-resident parent may ask for more contact, weighed against free, relatively flexible childcare.

Should the children need long-term care, positive family members like fathers are a better option than care, and agencies need to build these relationships before an emergency arises.

It is worth differentiating between different kinds of resident parents, who may vary widely. Ideas include:

Lone parents where the other parent has chosen not to be involved or is excluded for child safety reasons

• Respite child care, practical help with benefits, child support, help in developing support networks (introductions to peer groups etc)

Resident parents who are excluding a willing parent and may be attempting to alienate the child from them:

• Go through the child-centred checklist, emphasising the effect on the child and their long-term wellbeing, and probable damage to their own future relationship with the child

‘Lone parents’ where the other parent is around but hidden in order to increase benefits

• Arrange a confidential benefits calculation through Citizens Advice or similar for living alone with a partner.

Lone parents living with children from one or more different parents and engaging in serial relationships involving successive temporary changes for children

• Go through why this is happening and possible effects on children. Explore ways of maximising stability for children
• Explore ways of managing how new (and possibly temporary) partners impact on children, for example keeping them separate initially, not asking children to accept them too quickly or see them as a parent figure, assessing any risks a new partner may pose carefully   

Resident parents in stable new relationships with a partner who takes on a parenting role and supports the household practically (who themselves may have children from previous relationships)

• Many of their needs may be met from within the family, with occasional needs in times of transition or of disagreement with the non-resident parent

Resident fathers

Resident fathers are likely to have many of the same support needs as resident mothers, but are less likely to be known to services and are more likely to be isolated. Men have historically been engaged with less, typically reporting that this is because services are delivered during working hours, because they find all-female workforces harder to identify with, are worried about being the only man there (for example at a Stay and Play group), and because of wanting to keep a low profile regarding children because of media campaigns about paedophilia. They may need reassurance that they are welcome, and a personal invitation to attend. Where possible arrange for another male to be present in group settings. 

Resident mothers

Culturally resident mothers may feel a lot of pressure to provide ‘perfect’ parenting and home-making for their children, as well more contemporary roles like breadwinner. This can be particularly hard if combined with a feeling of abandonment and loneliness. If they are insecure or had a difficult upbringing the ‘mother’ element of their identity can feel threatened if fathers want to be involved post separation. Peer or family attitudes encouraging her to exclude the father can sometimes add to this. They may need reassurance that father involvement does not make mothers less important, it simply means more parental love for children, and a welcome break, along with all our normal approaches to supporting mothers.