Resident Mothers and Fathers

Key ideas:

Promote child-centred co-operation (the resident parent usually has the most influence)
Promote the importance of non-resident fathers and mothers for children’s long-term wellbeing where it is safe to do so
Challenge parental alienation and obstruction of contact without very good reason

Around 90% of resident parents are mothers, with 10% being fathers. Resident mothers and resident fathers have many experiences and support needs in common, with some differences. Resident parents live with their children more of the time, but the separation itself may be just as emotionally loaded and painful, perhaps including a strong sense of loss, anger, or resentment. They may be juggling work, childcare and new partners (and their children), and may perceive that their life is made more difficult by the demands or behaviour of the non-resident parent.

While it is more likely that many parents presenting to agencies already will be resident mothers, traditionally separation issues have not been discussed. Practitioners may fear that hard won working relationships may be damaged, but those that have explored separation issues with clients have reported that this is not the case. As resident parents are likely to spend more time with children it is particularly important to take a child-centred approach, rather than just a client-centred one. Occasionally this will involve challenging choices and behaviour where it is clear that children’s best interests are not being served, as well as congratulating resident parents for the good work they are already doing when they are.

Practical support needed may include:

Information on benefits and debt
Help with child support claims
Help with housing issues
Signposting to legal advice regarding contact and other court orders

Working with resident parents to reduce conflict and increase co-operation

If the children are with the resident parent most of the time it is particularly important where there is conflict to save communication with the other parent for times when the children are not present. Phone calls can be after bed time, or child-centred letters may be more effective in avoiding personal issues. If they want to discuss or comment about the other parent with friends or family, it is also best to wait until children are not present. Hearing unresolved conflict and criticism of the other parent hurts them
Help the resident parent to separate issues out, particularly parenting from relationship and money issues (however legitimate). Help them to avoid using children as bargaining weapons – which hurts children, not just the other parent. They can behave well, even if the other parent doesn’t.
Is the resident parent being inconsistent with allowing contact, or giving out mixed messages: ‘Be involved, but the kids are mine?’ This is likely to demoralise the other parent and may reduce their long-term help. Explain that children are not owned by either parent but are people in their own right.
Encourage the resident parent to offer the non-resident parent time alone with the children (if safe) - identify an appropriate setting if needed, and help them agree a timetable that increases gradually to allow adjustment. Reassure them about the long term benefits of this
Encourage the resident parent to acknowledge the non-resident parent when they do something with or for the children, not just criticise what they do ‘wrong’ or don’t do
Help the resident parent to acknowledge the resident parent as an equal but different parent – they will do some things differently and that can help the child become resourceful and flexible
Minimise the effect of new partners, who are a common trigger for raised conflict. Help the resident parent to prioritise children’s needs. Withholding children to express anger about the non-president parent’s new relationship, or bowing to pressure from their own new partner to exclude the non-resident parent are likely to hurt and confuse children.

Continue to: Issues Related to Contact