Support Ideas

Also see practical support section, especially contact on a budget and housing

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Support ideas specific to particular circumstances

Listening, being non-judgemental and being respectful of the efforts they are making are obviously essential with all vulnerable people. Talking about children adds a far greater level of sensitivity, especially children not currently see, and even the toughest looking clients can find it too upsetting at first. Be realistic and if necessary challenging - but encouraging and positive where possible. People in similar circumstances have succeeded before. For example a majority of people going through supervised contact are able to have more informal contact later. They may have had bad childhood experiences, and they may feel guilt for passing some of that on – but even small efforts by parents can make a difference to children as evidence that they are loved. We are working together to break the chain.

Map family relationships and support networks carefully – mothers and fathers and both extended families are important and they vary hugely.

Where are the positive resources for the children?
Where are the positive resources for the parents?
What other agencies are already involved or could be used?
Where are the conflict relationships and how might they be improved?
Are there any court orders in place or being applied for?
Are there any safe family venues where contact can take place supported by other family members?

Agree achievable steps towards child centred co-operation and rebuilding child-father or child-mother relationships, however small.

Help the parent prioritise their children for the time they are with them, even if at other times they have other priorities due to addiction, mental health or behavioural issues. It is the time with the child that matters.

Until they gain confidence, fathers and mothers may find working with groups of peers with equivalent difficulties easier than being in a mainstream setting.

Trusting practitioner-client relationships are especially important. It can help if the parent can be accompanied by someone they already trust when attending new settings.

Supporting through supervised contact, into informally supported contact like play groups is useful. Talk about the challenges and emotions involved, with a long-term view.

Indirect contact is important

Indirect contact is always worthwhile, but especially where face-to-face is not happening. For mothers or fathers who are chaotic, age/stage appropriate letters, drawings and homemade cards can be a better approach, as they can be honed and re-done. The emphasis should be to demonstrate interest and affection to the child rather than to self-justify or complain about the situation.
It can help the adult to write a letter for children to understand why things have turned out as they have, to be read when old enough. Letters ‘never to be sent’ can be written and burnt to dump more painful feelings or anger toward others

Where children are in a caring role and in effect looking after a parent they should be referred for support through a young carer scheme.

Support ideas specific to particular circumstances:

Addiction

Children can act as an added motivation – towards being clean or dry for contact, for example, or long-term bridge building. However this may not be enough in itself, and clear boundaries are needed to protect children. There needs to be a clear understanding that attending for contact under the influence is damaging for the child, as is failure to turn up. Both will also probably lead to contact being reduced or stopped.
It is far from ideal for children to live with an addicted person, but being realistic it will continue to happen. Resident parents who are using or drinking can still improve matters for children by keeping drugs and alcohol away from them, keeping chaotic users out of the house, and trying to provide sober back-up care if using/drinking.

Homelessness

Resident parents may need supported family accommodation, which may provide facilities for non-resident parents to have contact.
Temporary accommodation for single people is often unsuitable for contact of any kind, let alone staying contact. Some accommodation providers may consider the contact needs of non-resident parents – it is always worth giving this information with applications.
Young parents with complex difficulties in particular may have emergency accommodation needs and will need extra help with the above

Mental health services
If a resident parent has ongoing mental health issues the non-resident parent should be the first option for respite care (if safe) as they may be able to provide more long-term stability than a series of carers. This means building the relationship with the non-resident parent before a crisis arises and reassuring the resident parent that it is a negotiated temporary arrangement to benefit the child, not the other parent.

Separated fathers with complex needs

May be frustrated, feeling that they are seen as a risk and are scrutinised, when the mother (who may have similar problems), step parents, or temporary partners of the mother may not be scrutinised to the same degree
Are unlikely to have had much support for themselves as fathers (most specialist services for parents with complex needs have traditionally been mother focussed)

Separated mothers with complex needs

May feel that they are embattled, defending themselves against interference from services, and from the child’s father if he is seeking contact.
They may also feel guilty or under added criticism due to cultural expectations on mothers and be in need of additional reassurance and emotional support

Respite child-care
Resident parents with complex difficulties are likely to be in need of respite childcare – just for a rest, to develop adult relationships and friendships, or to attend training or appointments.

Various options within extended families (often grandparents), support networks and services can be explored. However, where safe, this is an opportunity to discuss the value of involving the non-resident parent more. Non-resident parents are a free and more sustainable solution than using professional services, and the child is likely to benefit from more time to build a positive relationship with their other parent.

If there is friction or conflict in the relationship between ex-partners resident parents may need help to think through the long-term benefits of this to themselves and the child - weighed against negatives. For example a perceived loss of position, or fear of giving ammunition for the non-resident parent to paint them as not coping, or setting a precedent from which the non-resident parent may ask for more parenting time - weighed against free, relatively flexible childcare and benefits for the child in terms of their future mental health and well-being.

Should the children need long-term care, family members like fathers (and their extended families) are a better option than care as long as they are capable enough, and agencies need to build these relationships before an emergency arises.

Care Orders and Public Law
It will not be unusual for clients to be involved with social care services and in care proceedings. During this process we can them to deal with the stress of this and help them to plan positive strategies to benefit their children in the long-term. The Family Rights Group are the charity in England and Wales that advise parents and other family members whose children are involved with or require social care services. They run a confidential telephone advice service for families. They promote policies and practices that assist children to be raised safely and securely within their families, and campaign to ensure that support is available to assist grandparents and other relatives who are raising children who cannot live at home. www.frg.org.uk.