Understanding Parents with Complex Needs and Understanding Complex Issues

Understanding parents with complex needs and separation
Depending on their situation parents may experience the following:

Mothers and fathers with complex needs are themselves likely to have experienced separation conflict as children. Their own parents may have had multiple difficulties. This may mean it carries an extra sense of guilt and failure as they know what it feels like to a child but have been unable to avoid repeating it. In some cases separation conflict occurs through several generations and begins to feel inevitable and normal.
Fathers and mothers can transfer their own childhood anger and sadness to their current situation (as in more ‘mainstream’ families)
Conflict is likely to be high and attempts to alienate children from the other parent due to insecurity more likely
Residence may be held by other family members e.g. grandparents
Low self esteem and a sense of hopelessness – ‘Why bother? The kids are better off without me.’
Defensive fearfulness about being open and honest about their separated parenting reflecting their fear of having children taken away or losing contact (or the chance of contact). If they are open, they may be angry about the consequences that follow
Anger that they are being scrutinised and not given a chance or listened to
Moving towns and successive changes - in response to crises or in order to avoid scrutiny
The feeling that they will be judged and criticised in mainstream settings like Children’s Centre groups
May be financially unable to take up contact if it involves travel and accommodation costs

Complex issues and safeguarding
Of course, not being with your children can be due to separation, or safeguarding issues - or a combination of the two. It is obviously essential to keep the wellbeing and safety of children at the top of our priorities and to follow established safeguarding procedures at all times - whilst also looking for safe opportunities to move things forward.

Stepping back and looking at the wider picture, we can also see that there is a cycle of emotional deprivation and problematic relationships that is not completely solved by keeping children away from one or both parents, necessary though that may sometimes be. For example:

The outcomes for young people leaving care are often poor, and numbers of young people seek out the very parents (often separated) that were considered a risk when they are free to do so.
Young men growing up with conflict and without fathers may act out their anger in violence or internalise it in self harm (including addiction and offending) and exaggerated versions of manhood.
Young women without a positive male parental relationship tend to become sexually active earlier, and can be more likely to accept damaging relationships with men.
Both are more likely to repeat this chaotic emotional life for their own children, and we have probably all seen several generations of this through families that we know.

It is essential for some of us to come to terms with our actual biological parents, if only to realise their limitations – possibly the real flawed person has less power over us than the secretly imagined one, who looms large by their very absence. Are there ways in which this can happen positively and safely for children? It is already seen as a goal to keep children in touch with their resident parents in most temporary care cases – this principle can be applied to include more non-resident parents who are predominantly fathers.

Violence and anger management
Violence and other forms of abuse are completely unacceptable. Clearly parents (mothers and fathers, as domestic violence and other forms of abuse are not male on female issues only,) who have experienced domestic abuse should not be pressured to have contact with the perpetrator.

After discussion with colleagues and managers there may be occasions when the interests of the child on balance appear to be in favour of keeping contact with the perpetrator if they do not present a risk to the child. If so, any handovers involved need to be arranged so that the parents don’t have to meet.

Perpetrators can be engaged with and referred to specialist help where available. They may be more motivated to change by trying to keep contact with their children, and if successful will be less likely to harm someone else in the future than if they are simply excluded by services.

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