Working with Unmotivated 'Non-Resident' Fathers and Mothers

If you work with non-resident parents who have the opportunity to be involved with their children, but are reluctant or un-reliable:

Listen First. Is he or she actually unmotivated – who is telling you that? If he or she says it, is it a front? Is it just that they avoid all services (including yours) or that they are too deeply hurt and have given up? Work through their views.

Offer them support If you encourage them to get involved but only support the resident parent it will reinforce their view that they are not important to children

Help them identify and understand possible reasons for their reluctance to be consistently involved in direct care for children:

• They may be unable to handle the relationship breakdown
• Their own father or mother may not have been warm and involved with them
• They may have had little or no time with their own father or mother through work or separation
• Their own parents may have been hostile or aggressive to them and/or each other
• They may think it is best for the children, for example if it causes conflict, 
• They may have difficult personal issues (see parents with complex needs)
• There may be strong peer or cultural pressure.

Help them to find a strong identity as a parent:

• What kind of father or mother would they like to be? 
• How can they resist peer-pressure and the culture (if applicable)? 
• List the priorities in their life  - where do children come?
• Help them imagine a future good relationship with their children 
• Help them map out a timeline of the major stages of their children’s lives and their own – what do children need from them?
• What do children have to gain?
• What do they have to gain?
• What would they like to look back on at the end of their life?

Work with the resident parent if possible

• Encourage them to offer the non-resident parent time alone with the children - identify an appropriate setting
• Encourage the resident parent to praise the non-resident parent when they do something with or for the children, not just criticise what they do ‘wrong’ or don’t do – let them do it their way (if safe)
• Help the resident parent to separate issues, particularly child-care from relationship issues, and not to use them as bargaining weapons – prioritise child-care positives
• Help the resident parent to acknowledge the resident parent as an equal but different parent – they will do some things differently and that is good
• Is the resident parent giving out mixed messages: ‘Be involved, but the kids are mine?’

Help the non-resident parent negotiate a say in parenting approaches
They are more likely to be involved if they have had a say in agreed house rules

Arrange for them to have time alone with their children

• Time alone, or in an informally supported setting like a Children’s Centre stay and play, will help them to find their own way of being a parent. Positive feedback from the children- eye-contact, smiles, laughing, ‘Thanks Dad/Mum” will reward and motivate them.
• Agree small tasks they can do with their children that they can choose, enjoy and succeed at – being themselves.
• It is vital that children are not let down - so goals should be realistic & sustainable, so that arrangements can be kept to.