Gender Specific Issues Regarding Non-Resident Parents

Specific to non-resident fathers

In addition to the ideas common to all non-resident parents:

If he has come to you, work with him if possible, rather than automatically referring. Your existing skills will work just as well with either gender! Men traditionally engage with services less than women, and often have less support as parents in the workplace, from peers, and culture generally. We need to respond when they do ask for help.

What kind of father does he appear to be? Tailor your approach rather than being stereotypical, particularly with young fathers (see young parents section).

Does he have parental responsibility or does he see or have contact with his children? Non-resident fathers may need information about obtaining Parental Responsibility and where to get information on having or improving his relationship with his children.

Recognise his skills - only offer help with being a father (like parenting courses) if really needed. However, if his parenting role before separation was mainly as the breadwinner, or he has never lived with the child, he may welcome help

Individual support may be particularly welcome if the only groups and services available otherwise are female dominated – he may have less experience of talking in groups

Inform the father how important he is – tell him what research says
If he gets involved early, and stays involved, giving love, attention, praise and structure:

  • He will get on better with his children in adolescence, and that leads to them having better adult relationships
  • Boys are less likely to get in trouble with the police
  • He can help protect his children against both later psychological maladjustment in children where parents have separated, and against adult psychological distress in women
  • Father involvement at age 7 significantly and independently predicts higher educational attainment by age 20 for both girls and boys
  • Father involvement in families of manual workers is highly protective against an adult experience of homelessness in their sons.

Some possible additional barriers for fathers:

  • He may have grown up in a peer group/local culture that is negative about men’s caring and fathering ability, and has very polarised views of gender roles
  • Mixed messages: he has seen that mothers want help - but also want to retain ‘ownership’ of children. Getting involved risks rejection later, for example if separation leads to exclusion
  • Previously, when he has tried to get involved, the mother (or her mother) may have told him he was doing it wrong. He needs his own time with the children to establish his own confident approach
  • He may not know what a positive long term benefit he could be to his children, as fathers rarely get the chance to discuss fatherhood
  • He may need to hang on to a clear male identity as warrior/breadwinner – even if he is unemployed. It may feel like all he has left
  • Sense of injustice. The father may have a perception that he has not been listened to by services or treated fairly as a parent (including in the legal system) because of his gender. He may feel it unfair that he has been scrutinised, whereas the mother’s partner may not have been
  • It is much harder for fathers to establish a status quo of residence (which might lead to a residence order) with a child after separation, as anecdotally police tend to remove children to their mother if they are called.

Strong emotions in men. Some agencies and individual workers, particularly in predominately female workforces, are less used to working with fathers. This may lead to perceiving assertiveness, or an understandable degree of stress or verbal anger in men as aggression, rather than hurt - with a lower threshold for acceptability than for women clients. It is important to distinguish between anger directed at ourselves as practitioners and anger about the situation. However, at all times follow agency guidelines on safe working, and seek advice or training if you are unsure.

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Specific to non-resident mothers

Non-resident mothers may experience stigma, criticism and sense of shame or failure from the deeply ingrained expectation that a woman is a ‘good’ and present mother. They may need the opportunity to talk this specific issue through as a sense of guilt or of feeling judged can reach debilitating levels.

Reasons why mothers may be non-resident (can apply to some fathers):

  • A period of ill health rendering her incapable of safely caring for children – the relationship ends and the father becomes the resident parent
  • Leaving the relationship for a new partner (sometimes same gender), leaving the children in the family home
  • Leaving an abusive relationship and leaving the children in the family home either because it is unplanned or through fear of reprisals
  • Abduction abroad of children by the children’s father
  • Accusations of violence or abuse towards children
  • The father was the main carer before separation, and this continues afterwards
  • Successful alienation by the father.

A fuller description of most of  these issues and support options can be found at: www.matchmothers.org

Continue to: Unmotived Non-Resident Parents