Emotional Support Ideas

Listening, acknowledging difficulty and supporting may be particularly helpful in managing the strong emotions involved:

Non-resident fathers and mothers experiencing obstruction typically report that they experience some of the following:

Initial shock and anger at not being able to see their children every day:

• Grief, which may be long term
• High stress levels, especially if going through the courts to obtain contact or the situation suddenly changes
• High levels of frustration and hurt, which can be long-term and feel ‘toxic’
•  Sometimes feeling like giving up on seeing the children: 

            - for emotional protection – it is just too hard
            - because they feel like an undervalued ‘spare part 
            - or because they may feel it will spare the children conflict

• Having contact arrangements changed or cancelled at the last minute, particularly if they or the resident parent begins seeing a new partner
• A roller coaster of emotions in switching parenting emotions on and off for contact, which can feel more charged for the child as a consequence
• Supervised contact, which is a difficult experience
• Periods when they have not been able to see their child. For some this may be protracted or even permanent
• Parental alienation or character assassination by the resident parent.

Go through a basic child-centred co-operation checklist

Explore the best ways of communicating with the resident parent:

• Being positive, behaving well and sharing information about the child, even if the resident parent doesn’t – it is a good model for the child
• Limiting it to parenting issues (not unsolvable adult relationship issues)
• Never discussing anything problematic in front of or in hearing of the child
• Not calling round uninvited, and limiting phone calls to agreed times
• Writing letters as a more controllable method (and keeping a copy). The tone should be neutral and child-centred, concentrating on the outcomes for the child, not the writer’s needs or feelings. Give help if needed
• Suggesting mediation or Relate counselling if communication about children becomes problematic.

Explore how to make parenting time with children (if available) natural and positive. Time with the parent needs to be relaxed. It doesn’t have to be filled with treats and excitement. Talking and listening, attention, praise, reassurance, hugs and affection are probably more important to children

Supporting parents whose contact with their children is supervised: 

• Acknowledge the unpleasantness of being watched and anger at having to be checked up on when the other parent (or other adults in the child’s life like step-parents) may not.
• Go through how it is working and discuss any pressure points and how they might be resolved.
• If needed, explore how to play and talk with the children, concentrating on them rather than the situation and keeping the long-term goal in view
• Reassure them that anecdotally, an estimated 4 out of 5 parents successfully complete supervised contact and go on to unsupervised, informal contact.

Continue to: Distance Parenting Ideas