Some Ideas for Supporting the Needs of Children:

Provide them with a developmentally sensitive opportunity to express their feelings and thoughts – this might be verbally, through play using dolls or figures, writing or art. Validate and affirm the child’s feelings, as they may not be able to be as open with their parents for fear of upsetting them.

Help them to understand what is happening in their family and why the adults (in general terms) may be behaving and feeling as they are. Emphasise that it is not the child’s fault, that they cannot control adult decisions and that both their parents love them in the way they are able to.

Support them in understanding their own needs and communicating them clearly to their parents. For example children can ask their parents not to criticise the other parent in front of them, and can decline to be used as a go-between. This can be done face to face, by phone, text, letter or pictures as preferred by the child. 

Support them with problematic relationships, for example exploring positive ways to respond to difficulties with a step-parent or step-siblings. Falling out with step-parents can lead to young people becoming homeless and needs to be picked up early.

Respond to parental alienation. If you feel that the resident parent is attempting to alienate the child from the non-resident parent without justification, treat this as a this is a serious form of emotional abuse. Support the child to distinguish their own feelings from those of their parents.

The impact of disability in one or other parents where children are carers may be an additional factor – refer for additional support if available. This may also apply if children are being enlisted as emotional support for a needy or depressed parent.

Help in bridge building. If children have not seen one parent for a while, they may need help in preparing for and re-building this relationship. This may be particularly so if the resident parent has attempted parental alienation, or if the child independently blames the non-resident parent for leaving.

Consider supporting the child or young person in a meeting with their father or mother if there are difficulties that would be best resolved in this way. Don’t just include the presenting parent – contact with both is essential. An alternative is to meet the parent individually and pass on the child or young person’s views.

Support the young person’s relationship with their father. Whether present or not, and positive or not, the child-father relationship is very significant, impacting on educational achievement, emotional development and mental health. Young men’s self-image is affected, and young women’s relationship with males is shaped. Young people need to be empowered to recognise the positive and get past the negative. A direct invitation for the father to be involved may be a good way forward. Fathers and their extended families are 50% of the potential support for children and are more at risk of loss in separation.

On involving children in decision making about  them:

• Consider long-term as well as short-term outcomes for children
• Consider how best for adults to objectively hear children’s views and feelings – in person, passed on verbally, in writing, by video?
• The method of child involvement should be developmentally sensitive (appropriate to the age/stage of the child) and allow for freely opting in or out
• Children should not be pressured or made to feel responsible for adult decisions - some may feel burdened
• If children are involved help them to frame and ask their own questions and seek explanations from parents - it should not be a one-way process to benefit adults
• Questions should be truly open and not directive or value laden in any way. For example ‘What time would you like to spend with each parent’ is an open question, whereas, ‘Who would you like to live with?’ is not, as it pre-supposes that the child will want to be with one parent more than the other.

A note on safeguarding children

At all times follow your agency and safeguarding board guidelines on safeguarding children. Whilst it is possible that false accusations can be made by separated parents in order to control the situation, it is essential we report any serious concern that we have. As usual, this may sometimes mean challenging other colleagues and agencies if we feel that the child¹s safety needs are not being met.

For research on children and separation, click here